"You have no idea" (Parenting Version)
 |
| Yep, those are my kids. This reveals them perfectly. |
Just like I did in my last post, I'm trying to make it very clear that I love my kids and love being a mom because what I'm about to write might sound like the opposite.
I really do love being a mom...today. This moment. But that's not always the case; it hasn't always been the case. I struggled with motherhood for years and, though I loved my children, I didn't love all that came with being a mom. And, quite honestly, I struggled to find women who were honest with me about their own struggles. Maybe I can do that for you.
I have several sweet friends pregnant with their first babies right now (looking at you, Bekah and Leslie!). And because I'm so close to them, I've tried to be pretty vocal about the things I think no one told them about being a mom.
(Speaking the truth in love is actually my M.O. for this blog; my first post did just that!)
But other women might need to know the truth of motherhood, too. You might be a mom with babies or you might be pregnant or you might think you someday want children. I want you to walk into motherhood with hope and plans and joy, but I also want your eyes wide open.
So if you were seven months pregnant and we were sitting down at a coffee shop, here's what I would say to you:
"This is going to be harder than you thought." The labor, the delivery, the recovery, the sleeplessness, the tears (yours, hubby's, and the baby's), the sicknesses, and more. I read many, many books and I honestly thought I was 100% prepared. I wasn't. You aren't. Nobody is. So be okay with looking at yourself at the mirror and saying, "I wasn't ready for this. It's okay."
"You need help." More than you know. You need your husband's help, for sure. And hopefully you've got a mom or sister or set of friends who will help you with the day-to-day stuff. But you also need a cluster of HONEST mamas out there who will shoot you straight. Who will speak to you with love and wisdom and tons and tons of grace. NOT ONLINE. Nothing is more frustrating than the oodles of "advice" you can get from the baby websites; nothing will make you feel inferior faster than a bunch of faceless posts. So gather those real-life, warm-blooded women (of all ages!) around you who can give you hugs and hold that sweet little baby through a nap or two.
"This is where your faith grows." 1 Timothy 2:15 is a controversial verse, mentioning that "she will be saved through childbearing," and I never understood it until I had my own child. But I learned more through motherhood than all my previous years of walking with Jesus: He alone is my only source of wisdom, peace, and joy. He alone enables me to put one foot in front of the other. He alone gets me through that valley. I learned my utter dependence on Christ through motherhood; it was an aspect of my faith I was lacking.
"You are going to make it." There's going to come a time when you might doubt this. One woman told me, "The first month is the hardest," so when my son was a month old and everything was going smoothly I thought I was a professional mom. The very next day my husband came home to me huddled in the fetal position, crying. (You think I'm joking; not a bit). I struggled--hard--for the next 11 months. I had plenty of women who gave me advice, but one in particular simply said over and over, "You are made for this; you are going to make it." I clung to that hope like precious treasure.
"No baby is exactly like yours and nobody understands your baby like you." If only there was one perfect word of advice when it comes to kids, but that is ridiculous because every child is different. What worked with one woman's children may--or may not--work with yours. What worked with your first might not work with #2. YOU are the mom. YOU are the one God gave to your baby to make decisions. So gather wisdom and then do what you think is the best. Motherhood isn't a science; it's an art! There are no hard and fast rules. And forgive yourself when you made the wrong call.
Skip ahead in time to when your baby is about two months old, and our conversation over coffee would look a little different. For starters, you'd probably be worried about your body (which is NOWHERE close to where you thought it would be) and your lack of sleep (which you thought you'd be past by now) and your baby's current struggle. Here's what I'd say to you:
"Give it two months." Almost every struggle for babies under a year old--from teething to eating to forgetting how to nap--just needs to be waited out. As a mom, we feel like we need to figure out how to "solve" it, but mostly we just needed to be patient and let our baby get 2 months older.
[*Pause. Personal story here: The "wait two months" worked for everything for me EXCEPT MY KIDS' ABILITY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. They simply wouldn't. I read every book, I tried every approach, and I wanted to scream every time someone said, "Well, he should be sleeping by now." Both of my kids were about 18 months old before they consistently slept through the night. Yes, I just about lost my mind. Some people's kids sleep; mine didn't. But God gives amazing grace to mothers whose kids don't sleep; He and I became so much closer through those desperate days and desperate prayers.]
"Do not try to be Mrs. Pinterest or Super Mom." Balance is over-rated when you've got tiny babies: there is no balance. You are a baby-feeding machine, period. You may not get the floor swept today or this month. You may not cook a meal that requires a recipe for the next year. You may not get your hair fixed AND makeup on at the same time for quite some time. Yes, black yoga pants are totally fine to wear to church. ALL GRACE, girl. Give yourself every bit of grace you need.
"Accept help." Your husband/mom/best friend/sister-in-law might now put the baby down for a nap or hold her just right or fold the laundry like you do, but GOOD GRIEF you need to let it go.
[*Insight: you realize very quickly as a mom that you have VERY LITTLE CONTROL OVER ANYTHING when it comes to your child. And that's hard to accept. So we SEIZE control over everything else. Please, please hear me say this in love: let it go. It does not need to be done perfectly. You are not the only person who can handle it. Trust God to put people in your life to help support you during these hard months and let them help you.]
"Take a nap." Every chance you can. Whether it's in the waiting room or on your mom's bed or sitting straight up in a chair with half a cup of coffee in your hand (I've done all of these), grab that 2- or 10- or 36-minute nap if you can. They are a cure for almost everything.
That's enough to get started, I think. Maybe it will inspire you to gather your tribe of honest mamas. Maybe it will remind you to ask for or accept help. Maybe it will instruct you to give everyone--including yourself--love and grace.
Please share this with a young mom! Let her know she's not alone.
I LOVE YOU.
@leslienotebook
myleslienotebook@gmail.com
Comments
Post a Comment