"You Have No Idea" (Marriage Version)
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| Julie Holmes Photography |
And I want say to the bride and groom, in all the love and honesty I can muster: You have no idea what this will require of you. But I refrain; I don't want to be that crazy woman who spouts gloom and doom at the ceremony.
I've been married eighteen and a half years; my parents have been married for well over forty. I belong to an extended family in which my grandparents, their four kids, and the eight kids belonging to them have never been divorced; what an anomaly and a blessing. I believe in marriage, I believe it is good and right and proper.
But I have seen too many young couples walk into marriage with no idea of what's coming. I don't know where we get the notion that love has the power to conquer everything, but love is simply not the glue that holds a marriage together; it's the next level--whether you call it covenant or commitment or faithfulness--that makes marriage successful. I'm pretty sure every young couple hears these words, but it's not always clear what they mean.
And I'm afraid that sometimes a couple might not enter into the holy state of marriage if they really, really knew what was coming. Sometimes I wonder if people my age worry that our cynicism will dampen young love; maybe it would. But I want you to walk into marriage with eyes wide open, so maybe this will give you some food for thought.
[If you're married already, hopefully I've had this talk with you. If you're engaged, read through this with that fiancee. (Lucky guy! He gets to read your old-Sunday-school-teacher's blog!) If you're not close to making vows, just remember it's here. If you know someone struggling with a marriage, please share this with her.]
Marriage is hard. You remember church camp, where for a week you're sharing a hotel room or bunk beds with a bunch of girls who drive you crazy? And all you really want, by the end of the week, is to GO HOME and get away from everyone? Well, that's a little bit of the feel of marriage. At some point you think, "I need to be alone!" [Not forever alone; just alone enough to watch that movie he doesn't like and eat Doritos and take a 45-minute bath. Speaking for a friend.] God put people together on this earth to realize A) you need one another, but also B) you have some selfishness issues. Marriage brings to the surface all that you thought you could pretend about yourself.
Y'all are on on your own. [I love living in the south because of the word "y'all." "You" is grammatically proper here, but it does not convey what I wanted it to say: "The two of you."] Now, y'all are not alone and helpless; I mean, Jesus is happy to be the center of your marriage and there are so many people who will help you be wise. But you and your husband are the ones who make the decisions, say the words, hear the forgiveness, and step out in faith. Your parents SHOULD NOT make these decisions for you. Neither should your friends or sister or people on social media. You look at him and he looks at you and you say, "This is OUR call. What do we do here?"
You are a mess. And so is he. Y'all have sin and struggles and all kinds of stuff you never thought you'd deal with. Personalities clash, hearts break, and you wonder why in the world he doesn't hear you or agree with you or respect you. [Hint: I bet he does, but it doesn't look the same as how you hear and agree and respect.]
The blending of families is never smooth. Your mom's idea of Thanksgiving is about to be blown up when she realizes HIS family has the same meal planned. Even before wedding bells, you need to start communicating well with your family--and he with his--to let them know where you'll be and when. Be fair, be reasonable, but don't be bullied by one family over another. Stand up for yourself and your decisions. *This gets even crazier when kids enter the mix. More on that soon!
You can't see into the future. No one can. You didn't know that he would lose that job, that you'd have that health issue, or that your parents would go bankrupt and need a place to stay. I know women whose husbands were paralyzed and some whose husbands literally lost their minds. Nobody saw that stuff coming. I'm not saying this to make you worry but to let you know those wedding vows come really easy when you're healthy, young, and somewhat carefree. The same vows can seem much harder to live when the unexpected sets up camp in your living room.
He is going to change. You are, too. You'll gain weight and he'll lose hair. He'll change jobs and you'll change friend groups. Change is coming. It's natural, it's healthy, and it's okay. Just make sure that, as you change, you're looking more and more like Jesus. And you're changing WITH him.
He is going to blow it. Ditto for you, honey. Neither of you are going to make all the right decisions, and this is where grace comes in: Marriage teaches you to say, "Please forgive me." "I forgive you." "I love you no matter what." "We will get through this together." "This will make a great story---in five years."
You need Jesus, more than you know. You need time with Him in His Word EVERY SINGLE MORNING and you need to believe that He will give you what it takes to live in loving obedience. Having said that, let me add that you are not the Holy Spirit for your husband. He may be totally not walking with Jesus, but Jesus did not appoint you to set him straight; that's the Spirit's job. YOUR JOB IS TO LOVE, SUPPORT, HELP, ENCOURAGE, AND PRAY. So do that.
Fighting for your marriage is worth it. It's hard to say no to your mom, say no to your family traditions, say no to your single friends, and say no to yourself. You definitely give up some things you didn't realize in order to make your marriage healthy and strong. Those decisions are not always fun but they are always right. God designed marriage to help us understand Him more fully. Paul wouldn't have needed to tell husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands if it came naturally. So work on it. Ask your husband for one thing you could change that would strengthen your marriage and do that. (Yes, even if he doesn't reciprocate.)
Every marriage needs "old friends." So make friends with couples who are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than you. It's good to have that long-term look at life and watch how they do marriage and life.
One last thing: every engaged or married woman should subscribe to this one amazing blog. And maybe one more. BUT NOT 20. You need good, godly guidance but mostly from face-to-face relationships and Jesus Himself.
That was the tip of the iceberg, but it's solid. I would love to talk with you personally if you want/need.
Please share if you know someone who might want to hear these words!
@leslienotebook
myleslienotebook@gmail.com
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