Try the Opposite
As we brushed her teeth that evening, I was at my wit's end. She would not do anything that normally happened during brushing teeth: holding her mouth open, standing still, looking at me. She was obstinate, disobedient, and the look in her eye said, "I will no do anything you say."
I considered my options: I could send her to bed early. I could talk to her about the importance of obedience. I could swat her rear. All these were things I wanted to do and, felt pretty confident, should do.
Instead, though, I did the opposite of every single impulse running through my head: I put down her toothbrush and hugged her as tightly as I could, right there in the bathroom floor. For about 5 seconds she seemed confused; then I felt her go limp. She cried tears of frustration and immaturity and sorrow. "I'm sorry, Mom. I love you," she whispered over and over and over.
Was she cured of her selfish and immature and disobedient tendencies from that moment on? Not a chance. But for the rest of the night, she was perfectly content and lovely to be around.
Why? Because she knew that, no matter what, she was loved.
Sometimes, in the midst of trying times, we should forget what it is we "should" do and simply love.
I can't take the credit for this idea: years ago some friends of ours had a young child who had broken a rule multiple times in a day, and no amount of reminding and warning seemed to work. They told her, "If you break this rule one more time, we'll spank you." Of course, she did it again. The dad, fuming, walked into her room but had a thought as he closed the door: I'm going to love her. He sat on her bed and said, "You deserve a spanking. But, do you know what? I deserve punishment for all of my sins, too. And God doesn't do that. He loves and He forgives me. So though you definitely deserve a spanking I am going to give you a hug."
Do you know what happened? She didn't do it for the rest of the day.
Please, please hear me: people find courage in knowing they are loved.
So the next time you have a friend who seems wounded and wounding, love her. When your dad seems mad at the world, go out of your way to make him smile. When your spouse seems distant, lean in.
Because our natural instinct is to do unto others as they have done to us: if they're mad, we're mad. If they're snippy, we are snippier. If they're selfish and moody and grumpy, we will just join that party.
But there's no Jesus in that.
When Jesus was rejected by his own hometown with such anger they tried to stone them, He didn't throw rocks back. When Jesus warned Peter that he'd betray him and Peter did, we never get an "I told you so" from Jesus. When James and John got into a fight over who would sit by Jesus' right hand in heaven [one of my all-time favorite knee-slappers], He did not tell them to hit the road.
He showed them love. He never gave up on them. He didn't say what may have been true: "I don't need you. I can do this myself." Instead, He got down on His knees and washed their feet.
Was Jesus stern? Yes. Was He always lovey-dovey, a cuddly teddy bear of a best friend? No. But He never missed a chance to love. I want that on my tombstone.
Sometimes, we should do the opposite of what we ought to do: Bring flowers to the bossy pants at work. Honor the patriarch who acts like his entire family is trash. Forgive the friend who is late for the 20th time in a row.
Just love.
Love conquers fear. Love mends hearts and relationships. Love opens paths and builds bridges. Love soothes heartache and holds out a hand.
Getting love changes an attitude. Giving love changes a heart.
Now don't worry about my parenting skills: I lovingly discipline my kids. I wrote the following in my journal exactly a year ago today: "Kids have raw emotions, bossy tendencies, and bad attitudes. Cracking down." As I remembered that day with a shake of my head, I vowed to do the opposite at least once: hug when I want to punish, tickle when I want to scold, say yes when asked to read the unabridged version of, "The Little Engine that Could" when I want to throw it away.
[Free parenting advice right there: do not let this book in your house. Thanks, Dolly Parton, for sending it to every child and all, but it will drain your soul, mom and dad. You have been warned.]
If we continue this line of love-when-you-don't-want-to thinking, it will lead us to another truth: You are braver when you're confident that you're loved.
How about you today? Feeling unloved? Left out? Heartbroken, lonely, or just plain blue? Might I point toward your Bible? Because the only source of unending, unfailing, you-can't-get-away-even-if-you-tried love is Jesus, and you can discover Him only through God's Word. And knowing Him through what He promises is not found in praying or reading encouraging blog posts [hand raised, right here]: we know God only through the Bible. That's a First Order truth, right there. And because of that, we know He is love only through our Bible.
Feeling unloved? You're probably off track and out of the habit of seeking His face every day in His Word. "I need to," you tell me. Ahhh, but do you want to? Because that's the key.
Start with these verses about God's love for you and keep digging on your own. Read through some of the psalms. Read the book of John. Read Ruth or Esther or Galatians or 1 John and write down all the different things you can learn about God: all point to the fact that HE LOVES US.
Us. All of us. YOU.
And if you want one more reminder, listen to Lauren Daigle sing "Look Up, Child." It will put a new song in your heart.
Love you.
@leslienotebook
myleslienotebook@gmail.com
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