Grown-Up Friendships Part 2
So that we're all together on the same page, let's review: grown-up friendships are a matter of choice, not a matter of convenience.
But where in the world do you find these friends?
I actually laughed out loud when I thought of all the places I intentionally found some of my dearest friends:
Sunday school. I knew my sweet friend Holly only by name and knew she sat across from me in our "young married Sunday school class." One day she made a deep, thought-provoking statement about the Bible and I thought to myself, "I need to get to know this girl better." We talked that very day and decided to start studying the Bible. I feel like, now, she knows my soul.
Your family. Hard to believe, but you might actually get some friends from your extended family. My dad's sister, my Aunt Lesa, is a wise, godly woman that I count not just among my family but among my friends. When I was newly married, she called me regularly not just to say hi but to ask how my marriage was going and did I find a church family and could she pray for me. She had the guts to ask the questions no one else would ask, and I found the guts to answer her honestly. Now, 18 years later, I still look to her for advice.
Bible Study. I joined a Women's Bible Study when I had just gotten married and moved to a new town. (You can read the story here.) The leader of the study was a feisty redhead named Rita, and she not only let me lead a Bible study at age 22 but took me under her wing and personally taught me to cherish, seek, and know God's word. She started out as my mentor, and somehow we also became friends.
Conversation. In college, I was dating this guy named Dave. [Yep; the one I have now been married to for over 18 years.] His roommate had a girlfriend who lived 4 hours away; for the longest time, I had not met her but I knew that when Mandy came into town they would actually clean their house. I knew little about her, but one weekend we all made plans to go out to eat at Outback when she was in town. I don't know how to describe it, but within five minutes of laying eyes on her the first time, she was my best friend. We both knew the same girl scout songs and knew the same areas of Lexington. Now we're "couple friends," an amazingly strong bond for married people.
Serving Together. I didn't really know the woman, Michael Anne, when she asked me to help pull together a women's conference at my church. But I loved women's conferences, and I wanted to be part of the team. As we worked together for years, I saw what it means to be a leader, to let God guide you, and how to motivate and love people with the same vision. Michael Anne taught me the biblical skill of letting people with passion lead; I still watch in amazement as she is calm in the midst of trials.
Worshiping Together. I don't know why, 15 years ago, Brooke asked me to accompany her as she sang a special at church. But those practice sessions started a bond between us that is as strong as any. She's my singer; I'm her pianist. We still go out of our way to find opportunities to perform together, but more than that we share our lives with each other.
Similar Struggles. I had two kids, ages 2 and newborn, when my friend Heather, who had a baby under one year, told me, "Leslie, I'm pregnant...with twins. Am I going to die?" My answer to her: Yes. [For a year or so.] I don't know that I was much help to her, but every time we got together (and even so today), we can commiserate and pour out compassion and love and freedom on one another as mothers and as more-than-just-mothers. We share a love of great coffee and weird husbands.
Changing Generations. I can't begin to name all the names, but the first generation of my "girls" in my Sunday school class included Hannah, Bekah, and Paige. Through the years, I've added so many more, and I cherish every time that a relationship with a girl from my class progresses from that of Sunday school teacher/student to FRIEND. Just because at one point I was the adult and she was the "kid" does not mean that we can't both be adults--albeit different generations--and have deep, grown-up friendship.
Just because they are awesome. I was in a Bible Study with Peggy years ago, and I was floored by her wisdom, her hostessing skills, and her genuine love for people. I decided to look past the fact that she was 40 years older than me and start a friendship that didn't look traditional. (She was the one who, at over 70 years old, began eating lunch at a local bar so she could minister to the waitress there.) I soaked up every ounce of her expertise on John Piper and doctrine and even how to help your husband die with dignity. I still quote one of her best lines, "Why doesn't anyone make clothes for old, fat, short women?!?!"
Working together. I've met people through work that I would never had known unless we shared a common employer. The struggles of day-to-day, coupled with the victories of a job well done, bind us to our coworkers intimately. I was stretched and challenged by Kelli and Julianne and several other women whose abilities and brains made me want to expand mine.
Taking a crazy chance. I started reading the blog of a woman named Marie and thought she was perhaps the most amazing, godly woman I could dream of. We had a very shaky connection...she might know some people I kinda knew. Oh well; the Holy Spirit kept prompting me to meet her. I wrote her an "I promise I'm not a stalker murderer" letter, and she bravely agreed to meet me for coffee. Many coffee dates later, she is my hero and we love each other's stories and passions.
This is in no way an exhaustive list. But you see the main idea: To make grown-up friends, you've got to be out there. Be in church. Be involved in the community. Get together with people you don't know. Hang out where god-following, loving, awesome women might be hanging out. Take a chance. Start a conversation. Set up a coffee date.
And ASK GOD to show you those girls who are already friend-candidate. Maybe it's an old friendship that should be rekindled. Maybe you've got an acquaintance that you admire deeply and think she could be grown-up friend material.
You need friends all over the map. You need some that are your age, some younger, and some older. You need some who've known you since preschool and some who don't even know your maiden name. Some whose clothes you could borrow and some who are a foot taller or 10 sizes smaller. You need some in your town and out, some with your education level and some not. Some with your same marriage/kid status and some different.
Each woman brings her strengths, her brains, her confidence, and her "Girl, I have been there!" to your life, and you to hers. At the same time, you start to see your own weaknesses--as well as hers--and not only forgive both of you for them but work together to get stronger.
Don't be afraid to take this step toward grown-up friendships! They are some of God's greatest blessings.
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