You Didn't Ask, Part 1

Nobody asked me for this.

 I can't tell you how many girls have asked my advice over the years. I've always done my best to answer with the wisdom and authority of Scripture, with a little of my own experience thrown in for free. I've had all types of questions about everything from finance to boys to having babies to cooking.

 But no one has ever asked, "How do I know if I should be dating at all? How do I know if I should be serious with a guy? How do I know if I should break up with my boyfriend?"

 And I strongly suspect that the primary reason none of you has ever asked me this is because you really don't want to know my answer. 

 But there is wisdom in years and there is wisdom in experience and there is wisdom in good counsel. And though I hear you telling me, "If I had wanted your advice, I would have asked for it," I want to ask you this:

 REALLY?

 Because when it comes to the questions above, which are huge questions, I seriously think you don't want my advice or anyone else's advice who might disagree with you. 

 "Follow your heart" is TERRIBLE advice. "You love each other; it will all work out" is TERRIBLE advice. "Love will keep us together" is a TERRIBLE song and TERRIBLE advice. 

 So though you didn't ask, I'm going to tell you my opinion, not because I know it all (I don't) or because I know best for YOUR LIFE (I don't), but because I may be the only person who will tell you this.

 So, here goes. 

 Step 1: "How do I know if I should be dating at all?"
First of all, you should only be dating if your parents give you the green light. When I was a teenager, my parents told me I could not date in a one-on-one situation until I was sixteen. I AM NOT LYING. Sixteen. (Yes, I went on my first date the day I turned sixteen; my then-boyfriend took me to his grandmother's house to have a visit and then drove me to my own surprise party that my mom had planned. LOL. No joke.) 

 Looking back, it did not kill me to wait until I was 16, though at the time I thought it might. And my sweet little 5-year-old daughter might be sixteen before she dates, too. That's not your call; it's your parents'. So if they say no, the answer is no. Honor them (Exodus 20:12).

 But IF they say you can date, here's what I would add:
  • Don't date until you know you are on the right track with Christ. Only when you are confident in your salvation, seeking Him with all your heart, and doing things that make you more Christlike do you have any business dating. Period. (2 Peter 1:4-10)
  • Don't date until you can resist non-sexual temptation. If your girlfriends can always talk you into doing something you know you shouldn't do, you are in VERY dangerous territory with boys. Learn to lean on Christ and how to say NO with confidence. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
  • Don't date until you can live in the light (1 John 1:7). If there is ANY part of your life that is a secret (lying, stealing, identity issues, extreme OCDs, hidden sins, and many more), you should not date until you can work through those issues with Jesus. 
  • I'd strongly suggest getting a mentor or mentors with whom you plan to share all of your life on a somewhat regular basis. Not your mom. She needs to be at least 5 years older than you, in total love with Jesus, and willing to be very honest.
[If you are currently dating and you realize you are not following these steps, I would say stop. Yes, break up with him until YOU are the girl God wants you to be. If he's as awesome as you think, he will understand.]

So if you're good with Step 1 and ready to go to the next question, here goes:

Step 2: "How do I know if I should be serious with a guy?" And this question is full of follow-up questions: what is "serious?" How do I know if I'm serious?

So here's how I would define it: If you're thinking about or talking about marriage, you're serious. I know that every little girl thinks about getting married and you've been doodling your first name with boys' last names for years and years. But now I'm talking about marriage thoughts and talks with one particular boy, the guy you're dating. If you're dwelling on the topic of marriage with your guy, here's what I would tell you:

  • If he is not a professing, active follower of Christ, do not talk marriage at all. You do not want to be married to a man until he is ready to be married. And he is NOT READY until he not only says he is a Christian but lives it. Really. Not just at church. Not just in front of his mom. ALL THE TIME.
  • If he is different around you than his friends or family, don't talk marriage. This means he doesn't even know who he is, and you don't either. Do not think that the person he is around you is the "real" person. You could be totally being played. And he may not even realize that he's playing you. He may be trying to be the guy you want him to be. YOU DON'T WANT THAT. You want him to be real.
  • If you see strongholds of sin in his life, do not talk marriage. If you've been dating him long enough to think about marriage, you know if there are sins that are entangling him (Hebrews 12:1). And until you see that he allows Jesus to undo the mess, do not step into it with him.
  • If there is a part of your relationship that is a secret, do not talk marriage. If the two of you can't talk openly with someone (I'm not saying you call up grandma and tell her everything that goes on, for crying out loud) about literally everything in your relationship, you are not ready to talk marriage. Don't know how to get to that point? Then you two need "couple mentors" or at least you need one and he needs one. Complete transparency is CRUCIAL here. 
[If you are currently thinking or talking marriage and you realize you're not following these steps, STOP. Tell him you're getting WAAAYYY ahead of yourselves. And, actually, review the Step 1 steps to make sure you should even be dating.]

And now for the one NOBODY WITH A BOYFRIEND HAS EVER ASKED ME: 

{Pause for just a second. Y'all know my heart. You know I love you and I love Jesus. Please don't stop reading. The Holy Spirit put this message on my heart and somebody needs to hear it.}

Step 3: "How do I know if I should break up with my boyfriend?" My first answer would be this: If you're even considering that I might tell you to break up with him, you probably should. But here are some concrete answers, as well:

  • If the two of you are having sex, you should break up with him. You are totally and completely outside of God's will for each of your lives. You should not simply try harder or set new boundaries; Jesus will forgive you but you have to trust Him that His ways are BEST. And you have much to know and believe ALONE before you get back into that relationship.
  • If you regularly lie to him or he lies to you, you should break up with him. Again, one or both of you need to be renewed by Christ.
  • If someone who knows both of you well and that you highly respect tells you to break up with him, strongly consider it. I have told more than just a few girls over the years that they need to get out of a relationship. Some listen. Some don't. The ones who don't later wish they did. I'm not saying your relationship is finished forever; I'm saying you are not in a healthy relationship and God does not want that for you.
There is no one in the world who loves you more than Jesus. There is no one who has a better plan for your life than Jesus. There is no one who can heal you, protect you, help you, and watch over you like Jesus. 

I'm sorry if this was what you didn't want to hear. I have been writing and re-writing this post for MONTHS and I finally decided the time had come. 

Please feel free to email me at myleslienotebook@gmail.com if I can help with your specific relationship!!!

Thanks for always sharing my posts. I am honored :)

@leslienotebook

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