Real Marriage

Julie Holmes Photography

One of you asked for a blog on this topic. And though I write this at one girl's sweet request, I've written this letter dozens of times, for many girls over the past fifteen years. 

"What would Mrs. Leslie say about marriage?"

[Insert: If you're old enough to be married, you can just call me "Leslie" now, okay?]

First of all, required reading: Ann Voskamp's blog on The Unexpected Secret about Boring Men and the Women who Love Them. Seriously, any woman who is married, is engaged, or thinks one day she might be married MUST read this. It's maybe the best marriage article ever written, and provides you with the freedom for your expectations of your husband.

Not only that, but I can testify that I married a "boring" man. So did my mom, and so did many of the women you know. Talk to them about their marriage, their husband, and the boring-ness of it all. It will rock your world. 

What I'm about to write may seem "boring." But it is truth.

You may have already gotten this letter from me. If so, it's worth a refresher :) If not, you may get it in the future. I'm writing this here so that you may know the real truth--from someone who's been there--of what your marriage can and should be.

So here are the 3 S-words of marriage:

Submission. Oh, honey, don't roll your eyes at me. I don't care what year it is or how "progressive" our culture is. Marriage is about submission. Submission to God and to each other. If you are considering a marriage, I have one standard: Does HE submit to God? DO YOU? Because if either of you are living in the bondage of sin and pride and can't see fit to submit to God, your marriage is not going to be what you think it should be. 

He submits to you. You submit to him. You both submit to God. THAT's marriage.

Does anyone like submitting? NO!!! Nobody likes to be told what to do and how. But we're commanded; the example is given in most of the married women of the Bible but, even more so, in Jesus Christ Himself. He submitted to the Father even to death.

I remember one of you giving me the awfullest look when I mentioned "submission" in Sunday School years ago. You acted like it was a bad word. But let me try to explain it this way: You and your husband form a whole, 100%. When the time comes to vote, your opinion counts 49%, his 51%. He doesn't lord over you, he isn't authoritarian. He knows your vote counts heavily and he takes it into consideration. BUT HE MAKES THE CALL. And your prayer, always, is that he is listening to God more than he's listening to you. You don't nag or cajole or use your feminine wiles; that's not submission. You trust that God gave him the leadership of your house and you trust God that He will bring glory to Himself. 

Selflessness. Most of you know that my social media game is weak. Partially, I am convinced that I will stick my foot in my mouth if given the chance. Additionally, I can't stand the fake-ness of it all. Perfect bodies. Perfect homes. Perfect Halloween costumes. Give me a break. I don't think Insta and Facebook are directly from the devil, but I absolutely believe it feeds our innate selfishness. You cannot stay selfish and stay in a God-honoring marriage. You put God and your husband above yourself. Does that mean you never get a weekend with the girls or a coffee date? Not at all! But it does mean that you put your needs third in that line almost all the time. 

(Selflessness in marriage prepares you for even more selflessness as a mother. But that's a blog for another day.)

Serving. (Right about now, you're thinking, "Yikes. Maybe I'll just stay single." Girls, please hear me out.) In the midst of submission and selflessness, which are matters of the heart, your external expression of those things is your service to your husband. 

Now, that looks different in every marriage. My mom, for probably 25 years, got up before my dad every single morning and made breakfast for him before he went to work. What a woman. That's love. (I should point out, though, that now he makes breakfast for her most days. What a man.) I can't think of one time that I've gotten up and made breakfast for my husband: he wants a bowl of granola in silence. So that's what I give him. But, do you know what? I make that granola, most of the time. I make sure we have the ingredients on the grocery list. I spray the pans when he fixes it. I handle the laundry, the dishes, and most of the household cleaning. Do I ask him for help sometimes? Yes. But those are the things that, primarily, I do to serve him. Yes, he serves me, as well. Not once in 17 years have I cut the grass or buried a dead pet, to name but a few. 

But we don't keep score; I serve, he serves. All the time. Every day.

The 3 S-words are not glamorous. Not social-media worthy. But we're going for boring, here. (Another reference to that Ann Voskamp blog. Seriously, read it.)

Aside from the 3 S-words, here are a few other things I'd share with you:

Learn what he loves. (I didn't say, "LOVE what he loves," if you'll notice.) For instance, my husband has some of the weirdest hobbies known to mankind. Because of that, I'm somewhat of a conversational expert on falconry, beekeeping, and the shot put. Do I love those things? Nope. But I love him, and I want to be part of his thoughts and dreams and plans. I want to listen with knowledge and add value to his life. That means learning what he loves. 

Learn this handy saying: "My projects are my projects; his projects are our projects." Oh, I wish I had a dollar for every time I helped change the oil, build a chicken house, or got in a too-large bee suit to catch a swarm. Genesis 2:18 shows that God made Eve to be Adam's HELPER. Oh, sister, help him. And if he helps you, GREAT. But God made him to lead, provide, and protect. 

Get a mentor. NOT YOUR MOM. Not your best friend. You need a woman who will--without fear--speak truth to your life and your marriage. (Your mom and best friend are great, but they're on YOUR SIDE. You need someone who can see it impartially, with both of you and God's word in mind.) Let her walk beside you in every aspect of your life, including your marriage.

Get over your princess tendencies. Being a wife is not for princesses. Your husband is NOT there to meet your every need. In fact, accept that you're going to be disappointed. You're going to wish he were different. You're going to wonder why in the world you fell in love with that man. But when your focus is on YOU, you won't find yourself in a healthy marriage. It takes a tough, strong woman to stand up for your marriage, stand up for your husband, and follow God's plan for the two of you. Submit, be selfless, and serve.

Don't say anything ABOUT your husband that you wouldn't say TO him. Not to your mom, your best friend, and heaven forbid especially not in Bible Study. (I'm not talking about instances of abuse, here. I'm talking about a "he won't pick up his dirty socks when they are 6 inches from the laundry basket" type of stuff.) You are more than wise to talk to the Lord when you struggle or, how about this idea: talk to your husband. No, you don't like confrontation and no, he doesn't want to hear his shortcomings. But that's what honest, open communication requires.

Get rid of that image in your head of your perfect marriage. I have no problem with a"perfect wedding" image. I love weddings and you millenials are great at making them beautiful. But marriage isn't a wedding. You can't make all the plans and know they'll happen. You have no idea what's coming. You will have ugly, mistake-laden, wish-we-could-have-a-do-over-there type of days. Accept the sloppy, the ugly, and the mistake-laden seasons.

So many girls see the wedding as the apex. Wrong. It's Step One. It's the easy part. Time to grow up, fill yourself with God's love and God's Word, and be the woman you were made to be. This marriage is not WHO you are, but it is part of God's plan for your life.  

Last thing: Get some wisdom from women who love Jesus and share honestly. I subscribe to Ann Voskamp's blog and this one. I read tons of books. But I spend ten times more per day in THE BIBLE, hearing God through His Holy Spirit, than on everything else combined. He alone gives me what I need for my heart, my mind, and my marriage. 

I love you, and I love your marriage. I am here if you need me.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

@leslienotebook

myleslienotebook@blogspot.com