Stronger
I didn't tweak it or pull something or twist funny. I HURT it. I couldn't lean forward at all. I had to seriously consider how I could grab the crock pot from the bottom shelf of the cabinet without screaming in pain. I couldn't lean over to kiss by kids in bed at night; they had to sit up and kiss me. It took me four minutes to get into bed the night I hurt it.
(Full confession: I hurt it jumping on the trampoline with my kids.) That should not have hurt me like it did.
I thought I was strong. I thought I was fit.
But the truth is that I wasn't nearly as strong or fit as I thought. And every motion reminded me that there had been a weakness I didn't know about.
It didn't just hurt my back. My legs hurt when I walked. My hips hurt when I sat. I shuffled when I walked and somehow I couldn't even pull the brake on my car when I needed to park; I didn't realize how weak my back was and how very much I was affected by hurting it.
Luckily God blesses people with the gift of healing, and my chiropractor popped my unaligned spine back into place.
But the weakness was still there. I knew it because although I wasn't wincing in pain every time I moved, I was still having to walk delicately, sit carefully, and keep my back perfectly straight at all times. I found myself in a bit of a panic: my work (the work I actually get paid for) is very physical, requiring me to lift and twist and bend. On top of that, we have been planning our first out-west trip with our kids this summer, and the though of not being able to watch them romp around in the Rockies was worse than the pain.
So I had a holy hour to myself at a coffee shop a week ago and I poured out my soul to God: I didn't know what to do. Everything hurt. I needed healing and had no idea where to turn.
I left that prayer floating in my heart and my head as I picked up my box of scriptures. (In case you missed my post on Meditating and Memorizing, you can read it here.) [Side note: One of my favorite practices is laying my requests before God, with no help on how to solve them (this is where I struggle!) and wait in expectation for Him to reveal Himself in His Word, either as I study or memorize scripture.]
And though I've been looking at Isaiah 41:10 for weeks in my attempt to memorize it, the Holy Spirit lit up that plain white index card as though it were on fire:
"Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand."
(HCSB, Italics and bold mine)
God would strengthen me. He would help me. He would "uphold" me (KJV). I could trust that He had plans to make my back stronger; I didn't need to fear.
Of course, God's lesson for me was so much more than trusting Him to heal a hurt back. Because as I sat there and meditated on the words of Isaiah 41:10, I couldn't help but think about the weaknesses in my faith:
Did I have some weaknesses that I knew nothing about? Probably. And the only way to make sure the core of my faith was strong was to analyze my life: Was I yielding fruit? Was I demonstrating Jesus' love to others? Did love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control mark my life?
Because I knew--and you do, too--that one weakness can bring faith to its knees. I have talked to too many girls and women who genuinely strive to love the Lord but they allow one weakness--sex, gossip, fear, addictions, lying, pride, etc.--to remain. And because of that one weak area, they struggle to be strong in their faith. They wonder why they fall to temptation or don't hear the Holy Spirit or can't live in the power of the Lord.
Core faith strength is this: God's Word, prayer, and obedience. Everything else flows from these three.
Fast forward to today: I'm not living in pain. I googled some strengthening exercises for my back and hips and not only am I not hurting but I am also stronger. I can feel it when I lift, twist, and bend. I do my exercises every morning and every evening, and even sometimes in the middle of the day when I'm feeling weak.
And every time I do my strengthening exercises, I focus on my faith. I pray. I dwell on God's Word. I listen to worship music. I ask God to remind me that I cannot be the woman He has called me to be unless my faith is strong. And as my back is getting stronger, so is my faith.
I praise God for steadily making me stronger, in my back and in my faith. I've thanked Him for using a weak back to remind me to have a strong faith.
He is God.
He will strengthen you.
He will uphold you.
@leslienotebook
myleslienotebook@gmail.com
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